Cinco de Mayo

This is to add to my journal of continuing indignities associated with having breast cancer. The other day I went in for yet another consultation with yet another radiologist /oncologist. (At least this guy thought I was young) But when I took a look at the waiting room I could see why, all the other patients were over 80

Anyway, the "margins" issue with me continues to be iffy and I'm the last to know! My surgeon, Dr. Greenway and my oncologist and Dr Chen never told me that I still had questionable margins. My latest radiologist - a kindly Persian - Dr. Shirazi is the one who spilled the beans about my still having iffy margins and residual cancer cells that still remains.


Is this normal or what?? I have no idea. I just thought in my naive way that it would be lumpectomy, radiation and adios cancer.


But really, the last appt was right up there in the indignity - o - meter range.

I H-A-T-E-D the Cat scan experience. Maybe I was just crabby from being freezing cold and naked from the waist up with my hands over my head (you feel so vulnerable this way) and staying absolutely still for 30 minutes. Maybe I'm just crabificated in general. prob so

What does this all have to do with Cinco de Mayo? May 5th is the first day of my daily radiation 12 noon every day. Before you chomp down on your salad or big mac think of me being radiated at that very moment.

And thanks to all my good friends for running for me with my girl baby.



I am the undisputed Wizard of Hearts. I swear the computer is frustrated cuz it can't win. I am invincible, the master of all hearts strategy.

Just so you know....in case I challenge you to a game. be prepared to lose

on a lighter note

okay, the somber tone of my previous post was kinda sad. It drove me to put on my nightly "creams"

Here is the ritual of our house. About 9 pm Scott turns the channel to EWEST and starts watching old reruns of westerns. (they are so stupid)

This triggers my "creams" behavior - I announce to Scott, I am going upstairs to do my "creams"

Scott: Snort Snort, yeah go upstairs and do your creams (translation: get outta here and let me watch the Rifleman and Gunsmoke in peace will ya?)

My creams are symbolic of so much!

1.My quest for maintaining whatever shred of youth I might still have (I know I delude myself)

2. A ritual of self pampering - I collect "the creams" to a ridiculous degree. Gratefully I gave up on La Mer but still do prescription creams and indulge in expensive f aux creams by Lancome.

(now my girl baby is snorting over Lancome - she is a Dior snob)

3. And as you know I have invested in a lifelong commitment to doing Latisse. I indulge here and am not apologetic a bit over this.

Whatever, it makes me feel good - snort away, at least I'm not watching old black and white westerns.

Philosophy 101

I'm learning to let go and not be so controlling. Okay, so what that I lost a big client and a big fat paycheck? It worked out fine, since I wouldn't have been able to do the work seein as I just got sick. So enough of the kicking and screaming and more moving toward serenity and submission

(easier said than done)

I would've short circuited out mentally since failure was not an option and failure would've been a forgone conclusion given my bad health.

So I give up to the higher wisdom of the cosmic universe and hope that good Karma is on my side. As for now I am going to bed and curl up in a fetal position -- sniff sniff -- I feel sicky.

Two more days to radiation. Please, oh cosmic universe - look upon your hapless daughter kindly.

As for all you dear and gentle readers, send me your love mind rays cuz I feel wimpy and not able to fill the role of being the Queen and I call upon your woman powers to exert charity and love my way.



I just lost a grant writing opportunity with a major client that was going to save my bacon in so many ways. There goes 15K - 17K in income in less than 30 days. Wow that would've been a juicy hunk o' dough.

But lately I have been asking myself, why must I take on every responsibility and drive myself into a total tizzy?

I keep myself so busy I cant go to a movie or enjoy a meal. Its been my chronic pattern for years. Why do we women do it to ourselves?

My new resolution -- to take it easy.

Hmmm, maybe then I can allow myself to be sick on my anti-cancer drugs.


My girl baby is now a grown up

I am pleased to announce that my daughter Aubry is now an official grown up - scoring a sweet raise. That's what she gets for working so hard and being so good that people in the industry want to recruit her to work in their company.

How do you know you are a grown up? When you are publicly acknowledged as a significant asset to the industry you work in - so much so that you have multiple bidders for your service.


Cancer Considerations

I am honestly waffling between taking my anti-cancer drugs or not (because of the side effects) and trying to postpone my radiation treatments for as long as possible

It feels good to feel well and want to prolong and savor this nexus in time of good health and wellness.

Dang Cancer!

In my defense, lest you my gentle reader think I am nuts (easy for you to say) I did sign up for classes at the local

Personal Trainer, Yoga and Fitness Classes - here I come.


rocks my world

This is the drink of Kings - Its what you drink in the highest degree. Its not too sweet, its perfection and its only 10 calories (okay 25 for the entire bottle)

I am constantly on patrol for this drink in the 10 calorie flavor. Its tragic, I can't find it in the stores anymore ($1.49), nor can I find it at my old standby at Target (10 for $10!!!) . But the other day when I was with my girl baby in Rexburg I saw it at a Maverick --- 3 bottles for a dollar.

Sigh... I wish I had bought more but Aubry thought I was a big nut to buy 6. Now I'm out of my supply and I have to live on Crystal light.

(A limp replacement for the bliss of Vitamin Water - Essential )

Just whining - I can't help myself. Soon I am going to be on one of those TV shows about people with OCD. Mine is going to be Vitamin Water Essential.


Radiation Treatment

Look at this big scary deal. I start my radiation treatments on Tuesday April 27th 8:45 A.M. Just part of the continuing adventures of having Breast Cancer. My Oncologist said 1 of 7 women have Breast Cancer. That means a lotta you women out there are walking around like a ticking time bomb.

Just remember that you have me to lean on if you ever get "the news"

Bug Hugs and the left side only


VOTE Yay or Nay

Ok, look at my girl baby's hair. (in the greenish cardigan) Admit it all you in cyberland - she has superior hair. That used to be me but now I detect a few gray hairs.

Should I color my hair or not? I love Aubry's color but doubt I can achieve that dreamy color. Oh ye that have blazed this trail - what do you think?

Mangling the English Language

It makes me cringe when certain people say "He AXED me to....." I mean sup with that?

Did that grown up ever spell the word ASK - then have an epiphany that they were saying it wrong?

Along that same line I went to a fancy pants 3 day conference put on by the Department of Labor where presenters who were funded discussed the success of their programs.

A panel of grantees - all young (in their 20's or 30's) men of color - (I'm not prejudiced - honest, really truly - but it was a fact, how else can I say it?) were discussing their success with the hard core incarcerated.

Speaking on incentives - they discussed shall we say -- marital privileges. They called the process - REUNIFICATED. I almost laughed out loud. But of course I used my usual sophistication and restraint.

HA - from then on I used the ificated ending when I wanted to say something with HUGE EMPHASIS. Check it out:

I am from time to time:


Now that you know the game I am sure you are ificated from time to time.
Do share your ificated descriptor and join the ificated club.

Three Kinds of People

I noticed there are subsets of people. the lowest is depicted below - These are the people you see at K-Mart or the DMV. Oooh, its the worst when you are trapped between weirdos on both sides for hours - your number is 295 and they are currently serving number 64.

Next up are people you see at the airport - still kind of a weird assortment but you accept their quirky dishevelment - for all you know they are winding down from a 20 hour flight from Mongolia - and this is why they are sporting a big bad case of bed head. They have an excuse right?

next there are restaurant people. Some of you will disagree but generally I see restaurant people as a lot more refined.
People of the world - can you say full length mirror?


Being a Grant Writer

I have so much to say about my career but let me say a few things upfront:

No, I can't write a grant for you
No, I can't write a grant for you
No, I can't write a grant for you

I hear this all the time -- "oh you are a grant writer? Can you write me a grant?"

This phrase ties with the all time other phrase I hate:

"What, you haven't had that baby yet?"


Confessions of Bennion weirdness...no wait... we aren't weird ....you are

Some people are positively GOOEY over their pets.

Not the Bennions. Not any of us. Not even the ones that married into the family. We are all unified in our hate of animals.

In fact, Scott's nickname is "The Terminator" Just go ahead and use your imagination to figure out what that means.

I did like one pet...... Freddy the Pig. Actually we changed Freddy's name to LaTrina when we found out it was a girl pig after we a year when one of us got the courage to check.

La Trina loved to eat stale chips and I got a vicarious thrill out her ravenous hunger. She ate with such amazing gusto and had no guilt over her humongous gut. Sigh...If only I didn't care like LaTrina.

(Weird, tho, I took LaTrina to the Jack in the Box drive thru and she wouldn't eat her cheeseburger)

Sadly, LaTrina succumbed to the same fate as every other animal within the Terminators sphere of influence. Ask Scotty about the Pig story someday, it's quite the saga.

Anyway, don't be bringing your pets around, none of us care a single ounce for those poopy smelly animals. Sorry, we are all cold like that. Just live with it. Its not a character flaw, but a virtue.

More Bennion Weirdness

We Bennions defy convention. (Well...... I'm normal)

We have a secret ritual with all our babies.

All our babies get thrown around to the extreme.

Scott would stand holding a Bennion Baby and propel him/her through the air to my brother or some other man. Then each would take a step back to make the distance farther apart and toss again. We called it baby football and the object of the game was to see how far you could chuck said baby.

I am happy to report that none of my babies ever got dropped, but if real people ever saw Baby Football they would call Child Protective Services on us when they saw how far the babies flew.

The photo above is a variation of Baby Football - the Solo Toss.

I know its waaaay not PC but hey, look at how tough and fearless (Girl baby) my babies turned out.